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The mind is truly a masterpiece that extends beyond the ability to simply “think.” It also gives us the ability to put thoughts into motion which gives us the power to create something that is spectacular or something that is deadly. The battle always starts within our mind.
At the age of 15, I came to a crossroad that could change my life forever. I call it the “Butcher’s Knife.” My uncle, through marriage to my Mother’s sister, was molesting me. It began when I was 5 years old and continued for many years. I wanted to put an end to this hell. The only thought I had was from a movie named “Let’s Kill Uncle.” I had re-watched this movie a few times. The title of the movie appealed to me, but I had no idea of the underlying subliminal messages that were transmitting and being embedded in my mind and memory. I began to think about my own Uncle. He was a “Meat-Cutter” for the A&P supermarket, by trade; a respected church pastor by day; and an evil terror by night. We had always had a mind game going on. Sometimes I won, and sometimes I didn’t. Nevertheless, I started thinking about “Let’s Kill Uncle.” I could no longer stand him sneaking into my room at night and trying to have his way with me. “Kill Uncle Walter.” He wasn’t blood-related. He was only related through marriage which somehow comforted me at times when I felt disgusted and hated myself.
The night finally came when my thoughts turned into actions. I don’t know what prompted this choice. It was not a conscious moment of clarity. Somehow my mind subconsciously decided to go to the kitchen and get his butcher’s knife out of the drawer. I knew every squeak that the drawers made and I carefully pulled out the large tool that he often used to carve meat.
I knew how sharp the knives were that he kept and as I walked slowly and quietly towards the open door of my aunt’s bedroom. I remember holding the knife in my right hand and I stood firmly, feet set apart, both arms at my side, and gazing over the little bedroom, watching them both while they slept.
It was very quiet. My thoughts were not racing. I simply was looking at them lying in bed together asleep. I don’t know what prompted my next choice but at that moment, my mind somehow subconsciously decided NOT to follow through. Perhaps it was God’s thoughts interceding on my behalf. I stopped staring at my uncle and looked at my aunt who was lying next to him. For that second I looked at my Mother’s sister and felt sorry for her, thinking she would be lost without this man. No means of provision, she was a homemaker. I started to rationalize what it would be like for my three brothers, I looked again at my Uncle, the “great” Reverend Simmons and decided at that moment that I would not kill him, but spare my aunt and brothers the misery of dealing with a lifetime of mess. Knowing that this evil man would continue to bother me at night, I backed up slowly from the doorway and placed the knife back into the drawer. Walking slowly back to my room as if I was in a trance, I laid down in my bed and fell asleep.
The next day my aunt told me she had a dream that I was standing at her bedroom door. She did ask me if I was at their bedroom door, I looked her in the eyes and slowly said: “NO!” I could tell that she didn’t believe me and we both knew the truth. I allowed her to believe what she wanted and never told her the truth. Only it wasn’t a dream. It was reality. The difference was murder did not take place that night because of a single thought. It was within those split seconds of time that your brain is processing your intentions, for me it was like my brain debugging.
Though this story is horrific, I’m hoping it will help readers realize how powerful our thoughts are, and how in a split second of time, we can change our thought process for the better. Every day we come to crossroads and subconsciously and consciously make decisions that could impact our lives forever.
The battle is, and will always be, in the mind. Not knowing that I had so many obstacles to overcome, and challenges along the way, it still holds today. My life isn’t perfect, it’s a continuous work and will be for the rest of my life evolving into a legacy of giving and sharing, anything else will be gratifying.
I had a lot of crossroads, barriers and obstacles to overcome since my adolescence years as well as adult years. You have a mind of your own, allow no one to manipulate you. Your brain is a muscle and needs exercise, challenges, and most of all debugging.
Today I am creating my world in which I want to live. I’m not home, but I’ve seen it and soon I’ll be home. Our minds are complex but so wonderfully created, we have to find out how it operates and behold the fascination of it all.